A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Here is a joke that I have used on one of my friends before

Firstly, for this joke to work, it needs to be their mom's birthday.

For example, if my friend "David" told me that it was his mom's birthday, I pretended that it was actually "David"'s birthday and so i responded "Is it ur birthday Dave? Happy Birthday David!", now because I said that out loud my classmates near me heard, and promptly also said "Happy Birdthday David".

Now the funny bit comes, because its not "David"'s birthday and is actually his mom's birthday, he will reply "no, it's my mom's birthday". Now, this would be a really random answer to someone who had just said happy birthday to u.

Try it!!!

A doctor tells a guy: "I have bad news. You have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer." Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."

"Is MGS4 ever going to come to the 360?"
"No, didn't you see THE PRODUCT PLACEMENT?!"
"They could change the PS3 to a 360..."
"Yeah, but too bad it'll RROD as soon as you put the disc in."

*While Playing Metal Gear Sack*
*Solid Sack falls off a ledge*
Sacktacon: SACK?! Stop fooling around! SACK?! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

So a guy walks into a bar, and he says "ouch."

So I happen to have made the most funny joke here...
Next thing that happens is that I get an e-mail from parallel realities and it says:
''Dear, (insert name here)

FLASH! you just made this joke for nothing!
We don't have any beta codes!
Haha Owned!

Kind regards,

Parallel Realities''

So I was like: Why am I writing this down, if I won't get the code anyway?

Okay, don't. Your loss, mate. Someone else will get it instead.

-- Stephen J Sweeney

I wrote a book on penguins. I should have used paper.

A teacher asked her class what they did at playtime.
"What did you do Jenny?" asked the teacher.
Jenny replied "I was playing in the sand pit."
"Very good Jenny" said the teacher, "If you can spell pit you can have a biscuit!"
"P I T" Jenny said and the teacher gave her a biscuit.
"What about you Billy, What did you do?" asked the teacher.
"I was playing in the sand pit with Jenny" replied Billy.
"If you can spell sand then you can have a biscuit!" said the teacher.
" S A N D "said Billy and the teacher gave him a biscuit.
"And what about you Mohammed were you playing the sand pit with Jenny and Billy?" asked the teacher.
"No they wouldn't let me, they were calling me nasty names and told me to go away" said Mohammed.
"Well to me that sounds like blatant racial discrimination and not fair at all" said the teacher
"If you can spell blatant racial discrimination then you can have a biscuit also Mohammed" said the teacher.

Heart Transplant:

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that
hasn't been used."

Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a carrot.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped his ass with the wrong hand.

How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



One.

Why did the stoplight turn red?

Wouldn't you if you had to change in the middle of the street??

Sorry just submitting this again as i forgot to add my email adress last time.

A woman moans to her husband: "Why don't you take me out anywhere expensive anymore?"

The husband replies: "Get your coat on love."

Woman: "Why, where are we going?"

Husband: "The petrol station."

*nariko sackboy enters club*HI kratos! i havent seen you since that time you went on a drunk rampage yelling SPARTA!"
*kratos sackboy replies* I'm a changed man now, now i only go on rampages when im high!
*nariko makes fake grin*drugs make you a loser,kratos you ok,KRATOS!?!?!
roy campell said"kratooooooooooooos kratooooooooos!

"My dog's got no nose."
"How does it smell?"
"Terrible."

The owner of a chemist arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man, "He's afraid to cough!"

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

Two fishs were in a tank, one turned to the other and said "do you know how to drive this?"

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
a carrot.

what do you get hanging from banana trees?

sore arms

How do you make a one handed irish man fall out a tree?

Wave to him.

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed, the egg with a satisfied look

Chicken-"Well i guess that settles that old argument"

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start knocking back shots of whisky . After a while they both start to get totally drunk and eventually the giraffe is so hammered that it falls to the floor. The barman says to the man ' oi you cant leave that lyin' there!'......the man says' it's not a lion its a giraffe'

two cows standing in a field one of them turns to the other one and says moooooooooo.

the other one turns round and says "you bastard i was going to say that!!!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side, HAHA

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A Cloud!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

this guy walks into a bus and sits down. then he sees a young beautiful lady sitting across from him. when the bus stops she gets off. the guy goes up to the bus driver and says man you know that girl. the bus driver says "yeah shes a nun"
so the guy ask the bus driver "how can i get with her" and the bus driver says "dress up as jesus. "
so the guy dresses up as jesus and finds the nun. the guy dressed up as jesus says to the nun if they wanna have sex she says, "yeah but only from the back not the front because i dont wanna get pregnet." so they do it for a while and then the guy says , hahahahaah im not jesus, and then the nun says , hahahahahah im the bus driver.

How do you get a kleenex to dance?

Put a little boogey in it

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrr!

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.

"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”

Giv3 m3 th3 k3y1

No, the competition is closed. And you didn't win.

-- Stephen J Sweeney